A humorous interlude for writers

11 Sep

To be a writer, a real writer, one must affect the mannerisms, the characteristics, the posturings of one. Drink a lot, preferably in dark bars where cool jazz plays in the background. Country western bars in rural settings can work. But one must be careful not to adopt the slouch and slack-jawed look, the slow mannerisms and insipid habits of the rustic set.
Be most casual, even rude to people who ask questions about what you’re “working on.” Common responses can be “The writing is still finding its way” or “You’ll have to wait for my book to come out.” Appear aloof, even snotty. They’ll think you’re one of those intellectuals with a lot on your mind which will come out in your novel.
And, of course, and this is most important class. Wear a beret or a fedora, if you must, but certainly not a baseball hat turned backwards on your head. Always carry a pipe. Don’t be afraid to reach for it slowly from your dark peacoat or trench coat to casually light it up when approached by strangers. If someone is crazy enough to suggest that smoking is not allowed on the premises, lower your head, raise a single brow, eye them as if they just suggested you eat dog shit and commence emitting grunts not unlike hog noises.


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